BlogBABY FOREVER!!!

This DOES NOT mean that I will be forced into a name change.

BlogToddler will not do.

BlogBABY FOREVER!!! (pumps small fist into air defiantly)







P.S. is it scary being TWO?? Tell me everything I need to know. Be kind to me world. I'm still just little.

I don't have to do the blog of shame because...

YAHOOOOOO!!!!!!

YIPPEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

HORRAY!!!!

WOOHOOOO!!!!

(high fives self)

What?!

Aren't you happy for me??

Happy about what you ask?

I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON I WON.

Did I mention I won?

'Cuz I did.

Yup.

I won.

And it's all thanks to you, my dearest Bloggy Friends who voted like champions for our entry into this year's Merry Effing Photo Contest over at Parenting By Dummies.

You should be so proud of yourselves.

YOU ROCK!

And me?

I rock too.

Which is why I WON!!!!!

Sure sure there were lots of other entries that rocked too.

In fact, had I not been entered as a contestant I would positively have thrown all 25 pound of my weight behind one of these super awesome fellow bloggers.

Confessions of a Semi-Slacker Mom

The Mommyologist

I loved both of their entries.

Kids strangling other kids - PRICELESS!

And who doesn't love little boy butt crack? Who, I say who?

So to those of you who voted, those of you who sent up prayers, those of you who lit a candle for me, those of you who gave stink eyes to the competition, and those of you who were apathetic and didn't bother to vote for my competition either, I say THANK YOU.

Thanks to you, (and Dumb Mom who clearly has exquisite taste in Christmas Card folly) I stand here today the proud winner of $200 worth of cool prizes.

And the best part is, I don't have to do the blog of shame because........

I WON!!!!!!!!!

Remind her that Christmas is about family.

Dearest #3,

Throw me a bone here, will ya?

Apparently most of my peeps are out celebrating the reason for the season and not holed up on their computers voting their faces off every day. (Though I love each and every one of you who is voting your face off)

That's what I get for having quality people as my followers, I guess.

People with more to do than focusing 24 /7 on a silly contest. (Said with tongue firmly in cheek)

At this rate, I'll be lucky to make top 5.

And top 5 is indeed where I want to be.

Because having the most votes doesn't guarantee victory.

Nope. I read it in your Dumb Mom's fine print.

She says that she gets to pick the winner.

But we both know who holds the power in your house.

So tell your Mama what's up and remind her that someday she might need to explain certain decisions to her future daughter-in-law.

Like how she could possibly chose anyone else as the winner of this year's Merry Effing (her words not mine) Christmas contest.

Remind her that someday she will have to look into these sad blue/green eyes of mine and tell me why the heck she chose some picture of a lady's behind over the kind of quality image hilarity I have submitted.

Remind her so that she gets the occasional visit from the future grandchildren and our presence in Christmases to come.

Remind her that Christmas is about family.

In this case, her future family.

Because if you can't get that Dumb Mom of yours on board, I'm afraid things might start getting a little rocky between you and me and our long distance love affair.

Plus we don't want my Mama to have kick your Mama's butt.

'Cuz she totally could, you know.

More Proof

More proof that I am indeed the best baby ever.....


Today I changed my own diaper.


At this rate BabyMama can start planning her retirement.

Bad Baby Behavior

I fear that Dumb Mom's Merry Effing (her words not mine) Christmas photo contest may be bringing out the Bad Baby in me.

The jealous baby - "How could you vote for someone other than me?? How could you??"

The bad attitude baby - "Number 29 are you kidding me!? What is she gonna do with the baby toy prizes since she has two bigger than BigBoy boys??"

The frustrated baby - "Seriously what do I have to do to rally you to vote, my peeps?"

But then BabyMama, ever the voice of reason that she is *snort*, reminded me of a few things to help keep Bad Baby at bay.

1. Everyone who entered deserves to win just as much as we do.
2. Sometimes people vote from their gut or for a myriad of other motivating criteria unbeknown to us.
3. Everyone is motivated by different things.

Today in an attempt to curb my Bad Baby yearnings I will instead focus on gently motivating all of you sweet peeps to cast your votes for BigBoy and I not out of jealously, bad attitude or frustration but because we would REALLY TRULY appreciate it.

Plus I am prepared to bribe you just a little.

If that will help motivate you.

To vote.

For NUMBER 11.

ELEVEN.

A-LEV-N.

Okay, so here's the gentle motivation part......

I'll even show you the fantastic "out takes" i.e. good pictures of us taken at the Christmas Card shoot.

And we all know how much you LOVE a good picture of yours truly.

And BigBoy too of course.

Perhaps these images will help you appreciate the hilarity of our Bah Humbug card.

At the very least I'm hoping it will make you fall madly in love with BigBoy and I so much so that you become serious fanatics and not only vote your faces off on our behalf but also rally your own peeps to do the same out of sheer devotion to me, your "adopted" baby.

Wishful thinking?

Perhaps.

But a baby can dream, can't she?

It's worth a try, isn't it.

So feast your eyes on these bad boys....er I mean....good boy....and girl.


Uh? Gentle motivation enough for you?

Ready to clickety click on over to ParentingByDummies and cast another vote for entry number 11??

(Click image to enlarge)

I hope so.

In fact I highly recommend it.

Because tomorrow I might just give myself over to Bad Baby behavior entirely and begin with the (ideal) threats and scare tactics.

Remember we're all motivated by different things. Hopefully I won't have to bring out the big guns to get you moving.







IMPORTANT NOTE: If you've already voted today "THANK YOU AND *HUG*" just remember I need you to vote every day until Friday at 6:00 pm to have a chance at this stiff competition so mark "VOTE FOR BLOGBABY" on your To Do list this week.

Not even kittens are this cute.

If this were a dance contest I would say "Bring it on!"

If this were a singing contest I would say "You goin' down!"

If this were a photo contest I would say "Er...um...please vote for me. Please please pretty please!"

Luckily for you THIS is a photo contest so you don't need to fear that I'll go all Michael Jackson on your butt and wipe the floor with you and your pathetic dance and singing skills.

Aren't you relieved?

Me too.

I didn't want to have to school you like that.

Embarrassing.

For you, of course.

But since Dumb Mom at ParentingByDummies is hosting a photo contest and BigBoy and I are one of the entrants, I'm gonna put off embarrassing you and instead beg plead and bring out the tears to get you to PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF BLOGBABY, PA-LEEEEEASE head over to check out Dumb Mom's Merry Effing (her words, not mine) Christmas contest and vote for your favorite little Bloggin' Baby (that's ME in case you were confused).

BigBoy and I are entry number 11.

ELEVEN.

11.

A-lev-n.

Oh trust me, we are the best.

So you don't have to feel pressured to vote for someone whose entry totally doesn't deserve to win just out of blog follower loyalty. Nope. None of that pressure here.

Because I am the best.

Seriously.

See for yourself. (Click image to enlarge)


Told you so.

What could possibly be cuter than this BAH HUMBUG card?

Not even kittens are this cute.

Or puppies in Santa hats.

Nope.

It's official.

Our card is DA BEST.

But we can't win without your vote.

So VOTE.

Now.

Please?

And then again tomorrow.

And the next day.

And every day until Friday, please and thank you.

Will you?

I'd love you forever.

And you can turn this Baby's 2009 BAH HUMBUG Christmas into a super-dee-duper-doing-the-happy-winners-dance-kind-of-Christmas.

So make a Baby happy this Christmas and VOTE.

Did I mention I was entry number 11?

Some of us like a Mama's boy.

Dearest BigBoy,

You know I love you.

Right?

Of course you do.

I don't give kisses and hugs to just anybody.

Nope, mostly I just give them to you.

Because you are precious to me.

And I am precious to you.

We are a brother and sister in love.

In all the best none creepy kind of ways.

Which is why I am writing this letter to you today.

Because I love you.

And I want the best for you.

Someday you are gonna be a real Big Boy and when you are I want to see you succeed at all the things that come with being a big boy.

Things like.......GIRLS.

Oh you are probably thinking - "Girls? I don't even like girls and I never will."

But my sweet brother that is where you are wrong.

Very very wrong.

Someday you will.

Someday you will like girls so much you won't be able to think about anything else.

It's true.

Daddy assures me.

Oh, I know you are different.

Of course you are.

We've all known that since the day you were born.

You are different.

But in this way you will be the same as everyone else.

And like most other boys you will probably need a few pointers.

Because we ladies are highly complex.

Daddy told me that too.

As a little lady it behooves me to share with you some of the tips that might ultimately lead to a greater success with your future girl friends.

Why? You ask.

Because I love you remember.

You can thank me later.

Tip #1 - When asking a girl to "Dancy Prancy" (or more commonly called "Bust a move") it is wise not to chase her in an effort to garner her compliance. Girls don't like being chased most times and they certainly don' t like being browbeaten into dancing with someone. Learn this lesson now....if the girl runs away, that means "no thank you".

Tip #2 - If a girl wants to share a swing or chair with you, that is a good thing. Under no circumstances should you push the girl off the chair and yell "I DON'T WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU!" at the top of your lungs. Yelling frightens girls. And we ladies love a generous guy, so share share share.

Tip #3 - If you do something wrong to a girl, you should definitely say you are sorry right away. Shouting "I SAID I AM SORRRRRRRRRYYYYY!" immediately after your apology in a menacing tone is probably not a good idea either. Girls need a moment to mentally regroup and remind ourselves that indeed we do love you despite your inability to treat us with the care we girls require.

Tip #4 - Farting in a girls face or in her general direction is not appropriate. Ever.

Tip #5 - Although we girls do enjoy a good hug and cuddle, we also require some space from time to time. It is therefore never a good idea to follow us around all day demanding we spend time doing this or that with you. Contrarily locking a girl out all day and demanding she "leave you the heck alone" is ill advisable. Moderation is the key.

Tip #6 - Girls do not like boys who tell them what to do. We girls are perfectly capable of deciding how we want to play with a toy or where we want to go. Bossiness is never attractive.

Tip #7 - Under no circumstances should you ever mess up a girls hair. And no, she can't just put a hat on.

Tip #8 - Girls like a boy with clean underwear no matter what his age. Yes, even big boys need to change them everyday.

Tip #9 - Boys who are kind to their mothers are very attractive to girls. So every once and awhile you might want to tone down your sassy attitude and troublesome ways. You don't need to be a "bad boy" to get attention from the ladies. Some of us like a Mama's boy.

Tip #10 - When a girl cries you should attempt to stay calm. Demanding she "Stop it right now!!!!" will not win you her favor. It will likely cause her to cry even harder and potentially begin blubbering hurt and angry noises. Essentially it will make everything much much worse. If you can't handle seeing a girl cry, give her some space. Trust me.

Tip #11 - It is important to remember that you are "Da Man" and deserve to be respected and appreciated. Any girl who doesn't see how utterly awesome and lovable you are isn't worth your time or energy. Every boy deserves a girl who adores him even if he is a bit of a spaz from time to time. You can ask Daddy about this one.


Even though you are growing bigger by the day BigBoy, I hope you will always remember your first girl and how very much we love each other.

This too shall be blamed on the dog.

Reason number 19678532 why Mama says the Baby should never be allowed to style herself.

Particularly when attempting to put together a photo shoot worthy of this year's Christmas card cover.


This too shall be blamed on the dog.

She made me do it. I swear.

Although that green cucumber accessory I am sporting does bring out the color of my eyes, don't you think?

I've worn you out, haven't I?

I have only one request of you. My people.

Please stop shoving your face into your computer screen attempting to "cyber" Peeping Tom at me (Seriously, it's kinda creeping me out).

I will share with you.

I will.

Sometimes a baby just needs to take a step back from the spotlight for awhile to regroup and refocus.

I know. You want to hear about EVERYTHING.

I've clearly hooked you with my clever blog subtitle.

But some days I don't want to talk about anything.

Let alone everything.

But I'm opening up the curtains again for you.

So you can get a glimpse into my daily life.

Just don't do anything weird, k?


Here are the Twitter-worthy highlights (or maybe more accurately the painfully dull play by play sure to bore you to tears and thank God almighty that I don't actually know how to Twitter or Tweet or whatever it is that people do to over share the moments of their day):


7:38 am. Wake up.

7:39 am. Discover legs caught between crib bars (again). Wriggle until removed. Rub eyes. Stretch.

7:40 am. Locate Bitty Baby. Hug. Locate Music Baby. Hug. Locate Teddy, Baby Kalina, Baby Dolly, Pinky, Leo, Little Foot, One-eyed-guy and Mr. Cuddles. Hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug.

7:44 am. Suck thumb.

7:59 am. Yell for Mommy.

8:00 am. Suck thumb. Contemplate the meaning of life.

8:15 am. Yell for Mommy again. This time emphasizing the MMMMOOOOOMMMMMYYYY.

8:16 am. Diaper Change. More wriggling.

8:29 am. Open fridge on my own. Demand pickles.

8:30 am. Flail on floor yelling "piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiickle!!!"

8:31 am. Open one eye to see if Mama is watching. Stop crying when she isn't. Make mental note to try new technique tomorrow.

8:32 am. "O-meal?"

8:33 am. "Gookie?" "Apull?" "Nannie?" "Treeeee(t)"

8:35 am. Eat 5 bites of Oatmeal. Begrudgingly.

8:40 am. Fall off chair for the hundredth time. Blame dog.

8:41 am. Wipe oatmeal hands on couch before BabyMama catches me with the cloth.

8:50 am. Climb all over BabyMama while she attempt to eat her breakfast. Say "dank u" for the toast and eat it while dropping crumbs all over Mama's lap.

9:02 am. Demand "Gookie". Cry.

9:14 am. Steal dog food. Taste.

9:16 am. Hide dog food in pockets. When pockets are full, put in diaper.

9:29 am. Complain about itching in my diaper. Remove diaper. Run.

9:37 am. Wriggle. Kick. Thrash. Shimmy. Gyrate.

9:42 am. Get distracted by toy with buttons long enough for BabyMama to diaper me.

10:04 am. Remove household vent covers.

10:05 am. Attempt to sit in toy bus. Cry.

10:22 am. Attempt to sit in toy bus for the 128th time. Cry. Put toy bus into vent.

10:25 am. "Cula" pretty pictures. Then the table. Then BigBoy's Reward poster. Then myself.

10:36 am. Discover Red is still the tastiest.

10:37 am. Cry when Mama puts the cula's away.

10:38 am. Run.

10:48 am. Get poked in the eye by BigBoy's schenanigans. Accept hug and kiss apology.

10:59 am. Argue with BabyMama about which dress to wear. Put bum in air and head on ground to prevent hair brushing.

11:11 am. Continue to thwart hair brushing opportunities. Remove BabyMama's dress choice. Put on mine.

11:15 am. Chase dog with stroller until dog is cowering in corner and needs to be rescued by Mama. Continue to chase dog until dog is sent outside.

11:34 am. Demand "piiiiiiiickle".

11:35 am. Leave half eaten pickle in the middle of the floor.

11:42 am. Remove toy bus from vent and attempt to sit in it (again). Cry loudly. Throw toy bus.

11:56 am. Refuse to eat lunch. Suck thumb and stare blankly instead.

12: 27 pm. Open garbage and try to grab thrown out lunch. Succeed in eating 3 pieces before BabyMama notices and gags. Cry at the scolding.

12:33 pm. Pull ratty ol' Big Bird shirt from the dirty laundry and put on. Cry when becoming tangled. Cry when ratty ol' Big Bird shirt is removed and thrown back into the dirty laundry.

12:35 pm. Wail. Sob. "Shurrrrrrrrr!!!!!!"

12:37 pm. Give BigBoy a kiss as he heads out the door to catch the bus. Giggle. Swoon. Ask for another kiss.

12:38 pm. Wave at bus driver.

12:39 pm. Discover hair covered pretzel in corner of kitchen floor. Eat it. Choke on hair. Ask for another.

12:42 pm. Read books.

1:25 pm. Still reading.

1:45 pm. Allow BabyMama to put me in my crib for a nap.

1:46 pm. Get legs caught trying to climb out of crib. Get rescued and scolded.

1:47 pm. Cuddle Bitty Baby, Music Baby, Teddy, Baby Kalina, Baby Dolly, Pinky, Leo, Little Foot, One-eyed-guy and Mr. Cuddles.

1:49 pm. Suck thumb. Sleep.

3:00 pm. Wake up from nap.

3:11 pm. Suck thumb. Yell.

3:14 pm. Shake bounce and clap with joy at the sight of BabyMama.

3:18 pm. Eat afternoon snack of pickles and apples. One in each hand.

3:30 pm. Play time with Mama.

4:30 pm. Scream, yell, bounce, clap with excitement at the sight of BigBoy arriving home on the bus.

4:31 pm. Administer welcome home hug.

4:35 pm. Accidentally lock myself in the bathroom. Occupy myself by rummaging under sink and reorganizing important items.

4:45 pm. Rescued by BabyMama who finally discovers where I am hiding.

4:46 pm. Scolded for eating toothpaste again.

4:47 pm. Show BabyMama the toilet paper artwork I created. I call it "Oh oh!"

4:52 pm. Located Bitty Baby and take her for a stroll around the house. Chase dog with stroller.

4:59 pm. Take off my clothes and run screaming.

5:15 pm. Pace by front door waiting for Daddy.

5:15 and 10 seconds. Shout "Daddy??!"

5:15 and 25 seconds. Shout "Daddy??!"

5:15 and 40 seconds. Shout "Daddy??!" Continue this pattern every 10-15 seconds until Daddy arrives home at 5:50 pm.

5:50 pm. Croak "DADDY??!" and fling myself at his legs.

6:12 pm. Supper time.

6:13 pm. Take 4 bites and push bowl away. Announce I am "Duh(n)".

6:15 pm. Pull bowl back and eat two more bites. "Duh(n)".

6:17 pm. Eat two more bites. Feed dog giant handfuls. Giggle at tickling dog tongue.

6:19 pm. Cry because of the scolding.

6:20 pm. Suck thumb and wait for family to finish their supper. Wonder what on earth takes them so long.

6:30 pm. Evasive maneuvers to avoid the clean cloth coming for my face.

6:32 pm. Cry in defeat, claw at my clean face. Feel the agony and humiliation of being cleaned.

6:45 pm. Bath time or as I like to call it "Slishy Splash" time.

6:46 pm. Attempt to throw myself into the tub fully clothed. I LOVE WATER!!!!

6:47 pm. Splash the heck out of myself. And the wall. Dump water on my own head and try to sneak slurps of water whenever BabyMama is not looking.

7:00 pm. Run from the hairbrush. Cry hysterically. Make saddest face known to mankind.

7:11 pm. Curl up in Mama's lap for story time. Nuzzle. Nuzzle closer. Closer still. Even closer. Until I am practically back in the womb I am so close.

7:28 pm. Demand one more story.

7:30 pm. Bed Time. Locate Bitty Baby. Hug. Locate Music Baby. Hug. Locate Teddy, Baby Kalina, Baby Dolly, Pinky, Leo, Little Foot, One-eyed-guy and Mr. Cuddles. Hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug.

7:31 pm. Sleep.


So now you know what I'm up to when I'm not here blogging my little baby heart out. And why this little baby blogger is finding it harder and harder to find time to share all of her deep and meaningful thoughts with all of you.

It's not easy being a baby, you know.

People expect A LOT from you.

Hello??

Are you there?

My People?

Wait a minute...ARE YOU SNORING?

I've worn you out, haven't I?

Hmmm....that happens to BabyMama too.

Apparently we're rich.

Lesson's about money. Courtesy of my 5 year old brother BigBoy.

Lesson #1. Money is expensive.

Lesson #2. You need money to get money.

Lesson #3. You should save your money. Jars work best.

Lesson #4. If it's not your money, you can't have it.

Lesson #5. If you are hungry you should take your money to the store and buy some food with it. You should not skip the store part and just eat the money. That is a bad idea.

Lesson #6. Some things cost a lot and some things cost a little. If you have a little money you should buy the things that cost a little if you have a lot of money you can buy the things that cost a lot OR you can just save some in a jar for when you don't have any money any more.

Lesson #7. If you don't have any money for toys, DO NOT go to the Walmart with your children. That is called cruelty to children. You can go to jail for it.

Lesson #8. It's okay that you can't buy your children a new toy, as long as you're playing with your children they don't care what you are playing with.

Lesson #9. Whatever you have can be shared, even if it's only a quarter and you have to cut it in half.

Lesson #10. How much you have is all about perspective. If you hold in your hand enough money to buy a small bag of candy to share with your baby sister, you are rich. If you have 1 million 700 thousand and 22 dollars worth of candy but no one to enjoy it with everyone will say "what a poor poor man".


Apparently we're rich.